On, May 23rd 2011, Kolton turns 6 months old. I really wish things were different and that he were here with us. In my arms is where I really want him to be. That's where he belongs. We have become these "new" people that I can hardly recognize. Being part of this "new club", one that we don't want to be a part of, has completely changed us. It's a double-edged sword. I feel that we are more loving and compassionate and on the other hand, we are bitter and closed-off. I feel like I am still shut-down and on auto-pilot. I just don't know where to go from here and I honestly think that I just want to stay right here. I am so afraid of letting go and accepting this grief and pain and heartache. I feel like if I do that, it's like saying that it is okay and fine. When that couldn't be further from the truth.
I miss my baby and I want so desperately to hold him again and to gaze into his beautiful blue eyes. I want to hear his laugh and catch the sparkle in his eye. I want to see him full of life, as he was when he was in my womb- protected from the world. I wonder what his first word would be. I wonder if he would look like his Daddy. I wonder if he would be a Mommy's little boy or a Daddy's little boy. I want to see him graduate Kindergarten and middle school, and high school, (( I wonder who would have taught him how to drive a car. I am sure it would have been Daddy and I think that would have been amusing to watch)).and then off to college. I want to see what a great wonderful man he would grow up to be. I wonder when he would grow out of the stage "Girls have cooties" and excitedly wait at the end of the aisle to the bride who eagerly walks towards him to forever join him.
I miss him so much. I have dreamt of his future from the moment we found out we were expecting. His future is far greater than I could ever imagine. God has a beautiful plan for our beautiful son. That's the best future anyone could ever get. Our baby boy is one of God's little angels <3
Let me tell you, when you lose a child - life on earth looks completely different. It is now a finite period until you get to be reunited with your child.We were blessed to have been given Kolton- even if it wasn't as much time as we had hoped for. He will always be with us and what could be better than spending eternity together? There is our happy ending. Our family will be reunited once again.
For Mommy's birthday: Daddy and Big Sissy picked out a book that "literally" jumped off the shelf at them. =) The book: Heaven is for Real - A Little Boys Astounding Story of His Trip to Heaven and Back. If you haven't already read it - you need to. It's a definite must! So many things spoke to me in this book. For one being: the boys name who is telling us about heaven is also named Colton- just the spelling of the name is different. =) We now have a beautiful picture of what our Kolton is doing - singing, playing with our other loved ones who are already in heaven, flying (with his wings), enjoying the vivid colors, trees, and animals that God has designed heaven with. THE most comforting words of little Colton were his insistent message that, "Jesus REALLY REALLY loves the children." How can that not be comforting?
Our prayers at this time include thankfulness for everyone of you that have helped us– whether it has been in prayer, a meal, a hug, a donation, a flower, or a kind word – you have all created a support system that kept us going and moving and helped us put one foot in front of the other.
For each of you, we pray that God’s many gifts, including His Son, are present in your life. We treasure each of you and cannot even begin to repay all the ways we been blessed. Please know that although our family is grieving and missing Kolton more than words can say, we are doing well thanks to the peace that comes from above.