Imagine a love so strong that saying hello and goodbye at the same time was worth the sorrow.

October 21, 2010

Too perfect for earth

Tuesday, October 19th, was mine and my husbands 1 year wedding anniversary. We've been together for 4 years and married for 1 of those. This has been such a challenging year for us. We lost our jobs in April, we received the diagnosis that our beautiful baby has anencephaly in June, we lost our house in August, we lost our dog in September and our other dog was attacked by two dogs and barely survived, also in September.
I love my husband so much. He is my rock of strength.Our marriage has become much stronger and we have become much closer.
I realize now more than ever how fragile life is and how fast it can be taken away. I try to make sure my family knows that I love and care for them so much. I probably hold on too tightly because I am so afraid to lose them too.
I remember getting the phone call from the nurse about my triple screening blood test. She said I had elevated levels for trisomy 18. My mom and sister came over right away and I was calling my husband, he was out of town on that day. I started looking up trisomy 18 and what I read was horrific. I read that babies affected by this, usually don't make it past their first birthday. My mom took my phone and told me to stop looking it up. I also saw anencephaly, but I just glanced over it. Then later finding out that our baby has anencephaly, which gives our baby a survival rate of minutes, hours, a few days, if we are lucky---just became so much worse than what I had originally thought. They are both fatal and just as horrible but trisomy 18 would have given us more time with our son.
Wednesday, October 20th, we went to our Dr in Hays. He checked my cervix to see if it was dilated. Ouchies!!! It isn't dilated, which is great news. I asked a lot of questions about what happens when Kolton is born, what measures will be taken, and what options we have. He told us that he will do whatever we want to do but the end result will be the same. He said babies with anencephaly die from infection because of the open wound in the head.
First option: He said he can dress the wound and give antibiotics to fight the infection. They would give him a feeding tube so that he doesn't starve. It's just prolonging the inevitable but it would give us more time. He said it could give us weeks and months with him. Of course, I want to do everything that I can for my son. I want to know as a mother that I did everything I could, within my power.
Second option: Is providing Kolton with comfort and care and not taking extra measures to prolong his life. The Dr said that he would personally choose the second option because he would want to be able to bring his baby home.
I have read conflicting things: that a baby with anencephaly usually goes into cardiorespiratory arrest and that is how the baby dies, or the brain stem fails to support vital organs and the baby "forgets" to breathe and that is how the baby dies, or that an infection sets in very rapidly from the open wound. I just don't know what to think. =( I want as much time with my son as I can have, who wouldn't want that. I want to do anything that I can for him. Where is the invisible line that seperates being selfish and doing what one should? Where do we stand as parents when we are having an angel for God? What choices do we really have?
I know where my heart stands-and that is to fight for my son. We will give him to God either way but I need to know that I gave everything I could for him.

[Update:] I bought 2 bears from bear regards and recorded Kolton's heartbeat. One for Lex and one for Kelby and I. On one of them, it was shorter than the other, but Kolton kicked during it. =) So precious.
My sister gave me this idea, so I want to buy Kolton a Kansas City Chiefs jersey because his Daddy is a huge Kansas City Chiefs fan. I think that would be really special. =)
I made Kolton's Cd.
1. Elizabeth Mitchell- You are my sunshine
2. Rocket Club- One more day (In Faith)
3. Selah- I will carry you
4. Dixie Chicks- Lullaby
5. Diamond Rio- One more day
6. Mercy Me- Homesick
7. Natalie Grant- Held
8. Kenny Chesney- Who you'd be today
9. Alabama- Angels among us
10. Marc Cohn- Butterfly Kisses
11. Steve Curtis Chapman- Heaven is the face
12. Patty Loveless- How can I help you
Making this CD opened the floodgates for me.
((I actually changed a couple of songs on this Cd).
Thank you Lindsey, for sending me that Selah CD so I could put "I will Carry you" on it. Thank you for raising money for Kolton. You are a god-send and the best friend a girl could have. =)

We received a beautiful hat and a card in the mail from a wonderful family, the Lundell's. They just had a baby Angel, Jack. I want to thank them for sharing Jack with us. He's such a beautiful little Angel. Thank you so much!

I have been suffering from a miserable cold, for the last couple days. I called the hospital to see what medicine I could take, they told me tylenol cold, robitussin dm, benadryl, or vicks cough syrup. They said do not take multi-symptom forms. So, my husband and I went to walmart and there is a sign taped to the shelf where the cold medicine is, it said that they are out of certain medicines due to manufacturing difficulties...imagine that every medicine I could take was on that list and they didn't have any..we bought some cough drops and left. We got home and searched the house top to bottom for my benadryl medicine and couldnt find it. My sweet husband, who was in his jammies and ready for bed, went to Presto convenience store, and bought 3 boxes of 2 pills each for $2.09 a box. (Did I mention how amazing my husband is.) The next day, he went to Kabredlos after he took Lex to school and bought them out of the Tylenol Cold Head Congestion medicine, which cost him over $16.00. They are boxes with 4 pills in each box and $2.09 a box. (absolutely ridiculous!)
So, I took those every 4 hours yesterday. Then I look it up online to see why pregnant women can't take multi-symptom cold medicine, apparently there is a medicine in them- Phenylephrine- that cuts off oxygen to the baby. That happens to be in the Tylenol Cold medicine that I was taking! That really really scared me. He was kicking all night, so I know that he is okay. It's just scary to take anything, even things that Dr's say are okay to take.

I am sure that I have forgotten to write some things down, I have pregnancy brain and forget everything, lol.

October 6, 2010

You are my sunshine

We went to see our Dr in Hays today. We are 33 weeks + 2. =)
I was hoping for an ultrasound to see our little guy, but not this time. The last ultrasound we had was so amazing. We saw his mouth and his nose. His little tongue was moving. We saw his little hands and feet. :) So precious. He kept putting his hands in front of his face. Apparently, he doesn't like having his picture taken. lol.

Today, the Dr came in and we went over routine questions. He momentarily forgot that our baby has anencephaly and asked if I planned to breastfeed or bottlefeed. I just stared at him and wasn't sure what to say. It took all the willpower that I could muster to keep myself from breaking down in tears. I would love nothing more than to breastfeed and for this all just to be a bad dream. I would love to be decorating his nursery and buying little boy outfits and onesies. I would love to watch him grow and see if his personality is like his daddy's or like mine and if he acts like his big sissy did when she was a baby. I yearn to hear his first words, see the accomplishment in his eyes when he starts to crawl, and guide him through his first steps. I want those sleepless nights spent up with my crying baby. I want to change those dirty diapers. I want to be thrown up on---All of this means that I would be keeping my baby. What I wouldn't give for that. I always used to pray for a miracle and for God to heal our baby (I still want that). Kolton is our miracle though and God's form of healing may be taking Kolton home with him. I wish for things like him being born alive and him being alive for a long time, to meet his family who so eagerly await his arrival--as long as God will allow.

I wish I could understand why this is happening. I am always questioning. Why Us?? What did we do so horribly wrong that you have to take our baby away from us? Then I get to thinking about how God gave up his son and I know that he understands. I just wish that I could without any doubt in my mind.

I got a flu shot today and finally bought some maternity clothes. I know you are probably wondering why I would wait 8 1/2 months to buy some. =) Well, I am seriously running out of clothes that fit. I didn't buy maternity pants so my husband will just have to deal with me running around in my jammy pants. lol. It would probably be alright to him if they weren't mostly bright pink and bright green. =) I can be very colorful and I am not sure he appreciates it as much as I do. lol.

<3 Baby Kolton <3 your Mommy, Daddy. and your Big Sissy love you.

October 1, 2010

How long do you wanna be loved? Is forever enough because I'm never never giving you up

It has been a really rough week. I know that the time is drawing closer and it's just breaking my heart. I am not ready to let go of my baby boy. I can't pick my daughter up from school without bawling my eyes out. I read a Hallmark card a couple of days ago and afterwards, I just laid in bed in my husband's arms and cried. I've been such an emotional wreck.

My dear husband called our local Dr and asked if there was safe medication that I could take to help. They prescribed Zoloft, which has been proven to cause septal heart problems in the infant when taken during the second half of pregnancy. I'm not taking that...are they crazy?  Regardless of what they think of our baby's prognosis, they need to treat this pregnancy like any other pregnancy. If they wouldn't prescribe that to a pregnant woman whose baby has no known problems, then why would they prescribe that to me??? Just because our baby has a fatal anomaly does not make it justifiable. He is still our beautiful baby.

I am compiling a musical selection to be played at Kolton's funeral. It's very challenging not to break down. I wish I could find the song that I wanted the most. I will carry you- Selah.