Imagine a love so strong that saying hello and goodbye at the same time was worth the sorrow.

October 6, 2010

You are my sunshine

We went to see our Dr in Hays today. We are 33 weeks + 2. =)
I was hoping for an ultrasound to see our little guy, but not this time. The last ultrasound we had was so amazing. We saw his mouth and his nose. His little tongue was moving. We saw his little hands and feet. :) So precious. He kept putting his hands in front of his face. Apparently, he doesn't like having his picture taken. lol.

Today, the Dr came in and we went over routine questions. He momentarily forgot that our baby has anencephaly and asked if I planned to breastfeed or bottlefeed. I just stared at him and wasn't sure what to say. It took all the willpower that I could muster to keep myself from breaking down in tears. I would love nothing more than to breastfeed and for this all just to be a bad dream. I would love to be decorating his nursery and buying little boy outfits and onesies. I would love to watch him grow and see if his personality is like his daddy's or like mine and if he acts like his big sissy did when she was a baby. I yearn to hear his first words, see the accomplishment in his eyes when he starts to crawl, and guide him through his first steps. I want those sleepless nights spent up with my crying baby. I want to change those dirty diapers. I want to be thrown up on---All of this means that I would be keeping my baby. What I wouldn't give for that. I always used to pray for a miracle and for God to heal our baby (I still want that). Kolton is our miracle though and God's form of healing may be taking Kolton home with him. I wish for things like him being born alive and him being alive for a long time, to meet his family who so eagerly await his arrival--as long as God will allow.

I wish I could understand why this is happening. I am always questioning. Why Us?? What did we do so horribly wrong that you have to take our baby away from us? Then I get to thinking about how God gave up his son and I know that he understands. I just wish that I could without any doubt in my mind.

I got a flu shot today and finally bought some maternity clothes. I know you are probably wondering why I would wait 8 1/2 months to buy some. =) Well, I am seriously running out of clothes that fit. I didn't buy maternity pants so my husband will just have to deal with me running around in my jammy pants. lol. It would probably be alright to him if they weren't mostly bright pink and bright green. =) I can be very colorful and I am not sure he appreciates it as much as I do. lol.

<3 Baby Kolton <3 your Mommy, Daddy. and your Big Sissy love you.


  1. Wow I can't imagine how hard that must have been to have your doctor ask you that. I don't know if I could have handled that if they did that when I was pregnant with Isabella. I know you don't know me but please know we are praying for your family.

  2. Mary, thank you for your prayers. It was a pretty tough moment and I have no doubt that there will be plenty more to come. *God, give me strength*. You are in my prayers and thoughts as well. <3

  3. Praying for you as you spend these precious weeks with your son tucked safely inside. ((hugs))

  4. Lacy, You are a wonderful mom.

    I don't have a direct line to God or anything, but I do know that he picked you to be with Kolton. He knew that you would love and care for this child and that Koltons time with you would matter, would be of worth and value.

    Keep strong, you are in my prayers.

  5. Melissa, thanks for the prayers. =)
    Yellow =), thank you for your thoughts. They make me want to cry. =)