Imagine a love so strong that saying hello and goodbye at the same time was worth the sorrow.

December 7, 2011

Kolton, here is your 1st birthday letter from your Mommy. =)

My sweet babyboy- I wrote this for you on your 1st birthday. November 23, 2011. My babyboy turning one year old. It's hard to think about without tears in my eyes and an ache in my heart. I miss you so very much. 

Happy 1st Birthday Sweetheart !

I'm sure you must smile and shake your head when you see that I'm writing you a letter, as if you don't already know every thought I send your way. I think I write because it's tangible... part of being 'human for a time'. Some days it's not enough to feel it or just think it. I think you need to hear it from your Mommy's mouth. 
I love you and I miss you. 
I wish that you were here in my arms. Cooing over your surroundings and standing on your precious two feet. I wonder what you would be doing right now. A whole year old. Oh, the trouble you could get into and get away with-with a mischievous twinkle in your eyes. 
I just have to tell you how much I love you.
When you were here I was stronger and braver. I was younger. You and your Sissy were the center of all that mattered in my life and always will be. There are so many things I wish I had done better. I wish that I could have kept the sadness away. The sadness in knowing that you would not get to stay. I wish that I had told you more often how amazing you were, how proud you made me, how certain I always was that you and your sissy were the answer to the why of my life. 
I believe with all of my heart that we chose the course of this life. That we knew before we came how much we would have to sacrifice for all that we would be given. And even though I miss you with every breath, I would do it all again. No amount of heartache would deter me from embracing enthusiastically another forty weeks and one day with you.
I miss you more than mere words can express. I miss your sweet little face, your soft skin, and your chubby little thighs. I miss your hands and your adorable feet. I wish I could snuggle you and kiss you and love on you.
I am going to watch the videos that we took of you at birth soon. I can't wait to see you again. I relive that very special day in my mind, every day. I hold onto all of our beautiful moments. I am so happy that we were able to capture videos and pictures that we can treasure forever. I am very glad we have your heartbeat recorded and that we got your hand and feet molds. 
When you were born, It took the nurses a few minutes to get you over to us, I was praying and praying that they could initiate your breathing. I was starting to worry because I didn’t want to miss out on you while you were here. Then our Dr took you tenderly from the nurse and handed you to me. Such a handsome little guy fitting so perfectly in my arms. I remember all of your details..they are forever etched on my heart. Your dimple in the middle of your chin, your full lips, your fingernails have little lines in them, your big toe on your left foot has an indentation line in the middle of it, your chubby little thighs, your longs arms and long feet! your second toes are longer than your big toe, your eyes are a beautiful shade of dark blue, your hair was a reddish blonde and it was a little curly on the ends, you are covered in little peach fuzz. =) YOU ARE PERFECT! Thank you for inspiring me and making my life bloom. Thank you for being patient. Thank you for leaving clues. Thank you for subtle signs and songs that speak directly to me. Thank you for trusting me, believing in me, and choosing me to be your Mom.
I want to tell you that I am proud of you. You were so strong and so brave. I can’t imagine what you went through, nor what awaited you when you left us. I know that you aren’t in pain and that you can play and run. I know that you come and visit us and for that I am so very greatful. 
I want you to know that I think of you every moment. I miss you with every fiber of my being. I long with every beat of my heart for the day we will be together again.

Loving you, celebrating you, missing you and sharing tears, seamlessly interwoven with joy, is what allows me to look to tomorrow with hope.

So, my babyboy, know that your life continues to fill my own with more than I could ever have dreamed. 

I love you,
Hugs and kissies,