Imagine a love so strong that saying hello and goodbye at the same time was worth the sorrow.

October 1, 2010

How long do you wanna be loved? Is forever enough because I'm never never giving you up

It has been a really rough week. I know that the time is drawing closer and it's just breaking my heart. I am not ready to let go of my baby boy. I can't pick my daughter up from school without bawling my eyes out. I read a Hallmark card a couple of days ago and afterwards, I just laid in bed in my husband's arms and cried. I've been such an emotional wreck.

My dear husband called our local Dr and asked if there was safe medication that I could take to help. They prescribed Zoloft, which has been proven to cause septal heart problems in the infant when taken during the second half of pregnancy. I'm not taking that...are they crazy?  Regardless of what they think of our baby's prognosis, they need to treat this pregnancy like any other pregnancy. If they wouldn't prescribe that to a pregnant woman whose baby has no known problems, then why would they prescribe that to me??? Just because our baby has a fatal anomaly does not make it justifiable. He is still our beautiful baby.

I am compiling a musical selection to be played at Kolton's funeral. It's very challenging not to break down. I wish I could find the song that I wanted the most. I will carry you- Selah.


  1. Keep strong! And I don't know what the Doctors were thinking but good for you for checking that out! As for being "in a funk" and crying, I think that is normal, hun. It sounds like you are standing well.

  2. ((((HUGS)))) to you! You can find that song on They usually have a link for you to be able to purchase the song to download. It has been almost a year since my Isabella was diagnosed with anencephaly but I remember those days like it was yesterday. It has been 8 months since she was born and passed away and even though there are still times I get sad it does get better. I can now go days and sometimes weeks without crying. It is okay to have bad days, we are grieving for our baby. You don't have to be strong 24/7.

  3. Thanks Mary. I will have to see about purchasing that song.
    My heart goes out to you because I know that this pain will always be there, maybe in different forms but always there.
    Thank you for sharing your beautiful Isabella with me. I'm reading your blog and you have touched my heart. I am grateful that you have been brought into my life although I wish it were under different circumstances.
    I'm just not ready for him to leave us...I will never be ready for that. What parent could be?
    Sending you lots of love.
    Destiny- thank you, also. <3