Imagine a love so strong that saying hello and goodbye at the same time was worth the sorrow.

September 27, 2010

32 weeks

32 Weeks!! 

I am 32 weeks pregnant today. 8 months!! I cannot believe it. The time has just flown by--right out of our hands! It scares me because I am not ready to lose my little guy. :( I feel so helpless as a parent because parents are supposed to protect their children. There is nothing that I can do to save my little boy.

Today, we went and bought the rest of the burial plots. So that when our time is up, we can all be together as a family. Then we went down to the funeral home and paid them some money for Kolton's funeral. What an upsetting way to start the day. The funeral director recommended that we do grief counseling now before little Kolton gets here but I don't think that I can do that while I am still pregnant. I want to enjoy every moment and keep the sadness at bay. I don't need to be bogged down with grief, though I know it is already there; I just refuse to acknowledge it right now. There is a time and a place. Now is not that time.

There is so much that we need to do and I can feel the time just slipping away! We need to buy Kolton a new tux, since he has already outgrown the original one we purchased. =).We also need to order new necklaces that do not have a set date on them. We need to make a cd for him. We need to meet with a minister and decide how we want his funeral to be. How horrible is it to plan a funeral when we eagerly await his arrival...We wish that he were allowed to stay with us longer but that choice was not ours to make. I pray that we get time with him, that he is born alive and is able to meet his family that loves him so very much.

"There's an elephant in the room.
It is large and squatting, so it is hard to get around it.
Yet we squeeze by with, "How are you?" and "I'm fine," and a thousand other
forms of trivial chatter. We talk about the weather. We talk about work.
We talk about everything else, except the elephant in the room.

There's an elephant in the room.
We all know it's there. We are thinking about the elephant as we talk together.
It is constantly on our minds. For, you see, it is a very large elephant.
It has hurt us all.

But we don't talk about the elephant in the room.
Oh, please say his name.
Oh, please say his name again.
Oh, please, let's talk about the elephant in the room.

For if we talk about his death, perhaps we can talk about his life.
Can I say his name to you and not have you look away?
For if I cannot, then you are leaving me....
in a room....with an elephant."

I have met many people along this journey. Many people who are on the same journey and those who help people during this very difficult time. These people have become my family and I am so grateful to have met them, though I wish the circumstances were different. I have learned to take it a day at a time. Cherish the little time that you do have because it can be ripped away from you in an instant. Do not take anything or anyone for granted because no one is promised tomorrow and all it takes is one second and your world can change forever. I love my family and friends more than words could ever say. I hope and pray that I don't let a moment pass for me to tell them how much they mean to me.

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