Imagine a love so strong that saying hello and goodbye at the same time was worth the sorrow.

December 1, 2010

Gone much too soon

We went to Kolton's grave, as we do every day, and I read him a goodnight story: Puss in Boots. He should be in my arms cooing as I read to him. It hurts so much to see that "this" is our new reality. Our baby will never be in our arms again. We won't get to see his first steps or marvel at his new words. We can't plan for his future or watch him make his own future with a wife and children of his own. It's heart-breaking. I don't know any other way to describe it. It's soul-shattering.

I want to do more decorations and nice things for him. So far, he has a little monkey that plays twinkle twinkle little star and his little cheeks light up red, some white daisies (Mommy's favorite flower), a red rose, a white rose, and a yellow rose. Also, Kolton's grandma left him some red roses.
The wind is so horrible in Kansas, that we had to wire them to his marker.

I look back: to being pregnant, to the hopes and dreams, getting our fatal diagnosis, feeling his strong kicks, getting to meet our sweet angel, his funeral and burial. and to where we are now: visiting our sweet angel at the cemetery and looking down at our empty arms and aching for him. It all feels just like yesterday. I constantly relive my life from the moment we found out I was pregnant to this moment right here.

All of the joy and yet so much pain. I have memorized every part of him: every line, every hair, every detail, how he felt in my arms, how soft his skin is and I miss him so much. I can't begin to describe how empty I feel without him here with us. He should be in my arms right now. </3 My breast milk came in 2 days after Kolton left this earth. It felt like an arrow piercing what was left of my heart. This is made for my baby. </3
Daddy is our strength, though he is hurting too. Big Sissy is having a really hard time too. She feels guilty for having happy times. She cries in her sleep and misses him so much. She has wanted a baby sibling for so long (even asked for one for christmas every year for the past 3 years) and she was so very excited when she first found out that her wish was coming true. My heart breaks even more to see how hard this is for her. I feel like a failure as a mother in so many ways. The main reason being that a mother is supposed to protect her children and it seems that I can't do that for them. That I have failed both my daughter and my son. I know that I have no control over what happened, but it doesn't make it any easier.

I sleep with his little lamb, his baby blankey, his little winnie the pooh blankey, and his bear with his heartbeat recorded in it. I smile everytime Daddy rolls over onto that bear and Kolton's heartbeat starts going. All of this makes me feel so much closer to him. I don't want to think about where his body is right now. in the cold, all alone...I can't help but picture him crying out for mommy. I know this must sound ridiculous, but a baby needs his mommy. ='( Just as much as a mommy needs her baby. I try to understand but understanding never comes. I'm not sure if it ever will. I feel completely and utterly lost. We struggle everyday to accept this has happened to us and live in hope waiting for the day we wake up from this terrible nightmare, to find Kolton safely tucked in our arms.

We love you, Kolton <3 We miss you so much


  1. Reading this made me cry. Hun you have done so much already! I don't know how peace ever comes. I cannot imagine myself in your situation, the pain is too much. But I can tell you this, for this much I do know, You are a good mother, and you did not fail your son or your daughter. Forgive. His life was well spent. Perhaps someday you will see all that this has done, don't let the pain take over, keep moving forward, never forget, and keep the good.

  2. Lacy, You have not failed as a mother to either of your children... you loved Kolton with all that you had for the short time that he was here with you, and you still love him with all of your heart, nothing that has happened is your fault, or anyones for that matter... God needed another Angel, and called on Kolton.. that means that he is looking down on his Mommy,Daddy and Big sis, watching over you guys, and feeling the love that you send his way.. I have never been in the situation that you are in right now, so I can't completely relate, but I do feel for you and your family, and know that I am praying for you everyday, that things get better for you, and that somehow things become easier to cope with... Keep your head up Lacy, you are an amazing Mom and an amazing person in general!! Thank you for sharing your journey and struggles with us, and for letting us into the life of beautiful Kolton... <3

  3. I'm so sorry for what you are going through right now. I know the pain all too well. I know it's hard to believe it right now, but it does get a little easier - a little at a time. Praying for your heart - sweet Momma.

    Kara -

  4. Lacy...

    When I read this , like I do all of your posts here, it made me cry. I cant imagine what your feeling and Im so sorry you have to feel it.

    Just like everyone else I will tell you , that in no way did you fail your children. They are both lucky to have you as a Mom.

    Im sorry your heartbroken, Im sorry your soul is shattered. There isnt anything any of us can say or do to bring Kolton back , or to ease the pain your in.

    But we love you, we are praying for you. And we hurt because you hurt.

  5. Hi Lacy,

    I am so sorry, there is nothing that I can say or do to make your pain any easier. I get the "failure" thing all to well. I can't tell you not to feel or think this way but trust some day you may feel differently, but it takes time (I know that awful word "time"). But it's all part of the grieving process. I love the way you are incorporating Kolton into your lives you are making a beautiful legacy for him. My thoughts are not only with you and your husband but your daughter as well. When my son died his older brothers were devastated to say the least. So I am sending great big hugs and kisses to her and to you all. And hoping that the holidays are kind to you.


  6. Lacy-

    You are a wonderful mother! Kolton is so proud of you! Alexia is so proud of you too! I am proud of you as well! You have come a long way! Prayers to all!

  7. It's hard to think that you won't get to hold them in this life anymore when you want more than anything to do just that.

  8. Hey Lacy..! It's Sophia! Kolton is in such a happy place and he isnt really that far away! And dont dread that you'll never hold him again..because you will! You will get to hold him again...and love him.! And he will always be Kolton Sanchez! Life is sooo short so its just a matter of time before Jesus gets to lay his precious little self in your arms! <3 <3 I love you and so does the rest of the family! <3 <3

  9. Lacy I don't know you but someone put something on facebook about this so I read you blog. I sat here just crying because I know how it feels. I don't believe that you have failed your children in anyway. You seem to be a WONDERFUL mother who cares so deeply for her family and for this wonderful precious little boy! You and your family are so strong.

  10. Lacy,

    This blog made me cry b/c I lost a son to a lethal genetic disorder as well. My daughter has asked for a sibling since she was 3 (she's almost 12) and b/c I have a build-a-bear with my son's heartbeat in it that she sleeps with. At night she rolls over on it and it brings me joy, but at the same time, it's a reminder of what I don't have. I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious Kolton. There's a wonderful group on fb called Parents Left Behind. There are wonderful people there who can relate to your pain. I would love to see you join.