December 1, 2010
Gone much too soon
We went to Kolton's grave, as we do every day, and I read him a goodnight story: Puss in Boots. He should be in my arms cooing as I read to him. It hurts so much to see that "this" is our new reality. Our baby will never be in our arms again. We won't get to see his first steps or marvel at his new words. We can't plan for his future or watch him make his own future with a wife and children of his own. It's heart-breaking. I don't know any other way to describe it. It's soul-shattering.
I want to do more decorations and nice things for him. So far, he has a little monkey that plays twinkle twinkle little star and his little cheeks light up red, some white daisies (Mommy's favorite flower), a red rose, a white rose, and a yellow rose. Also, Kolton's grandma left him some red roses.
The wind is so horrible in Kansas, that we had to wire them to his marker.
I look back: to being pregnant, to the hopes and dreams, getting our fatal diagnosis, feeling his strong kicks, getting to meet our sweet angel, his funeral and burial. and to where we are now: visiting our sweet angel at the cemetery and looking down at our empty arms and aching for him. It all feels just like yesterday. I constantly relive my life from the moment we found out I was pregnant to this moment right here.
All of the joy and yet so much pain. I have memorized every part of him: every line, every hair, every detail, how he felt in my arms, how soft his skin is and I miss him so much. I can't begin to describe how empty I feel without him here with us. He should be in my arms right now. </3 My breast milk came in 2 days after Kolton left this earth. It felt like an arrow piercing what was left of my heart. This is made for my baby. </3
Daddy is our strength, though he is hurting too. Big Sissy is having a really hard time too. She feels guilty for having happy times. She cries in her sleep and misses him so much. She has wanted a baby sibling for so long (even asked for one for christmas every year for the past 3 years) and she was so very excited when she first found out that her wish was coming true. My heart breaks even more to see how hard this is for her. I feel like a failure as a mother in so many ways. The main reason being that a mother is supposed to protect her children and it seems that I can't do that for them. That I have failed both my daughter and my son. I know that I have no control over what happened, but it doesn't make it any easier.
I sleep with his little lamb, his baby blankey, his little winnie the pooh blankey, and his bear with his heartbeat recorded in it. I smile everytime Daddy rolls over onto that bear and Kolton's heartbeat starts going. All of this makes me feel so much closer to him. I don't want to think about where his body is right now. in the cold, all alone...I can't help but picture him crying out for mommy. I know this must sound ridiculous, but a baby needs his mommy. ='( Just as much as a mommy needs her baby. I try to understand but understanding never comes. I'm not sure if it ever will. I feel completely and utterly lost. We struggle everyday to accept this has happened to us and live in hope waiting for the day we wake up from this terrible nightmare, to find Kolton safely tucked in our arms.
We love you, Kolton <3 We miss you so much