Imagine a love so strong that saying hello and goodbye at the same time was worth the sorrow.

November 14, 2010

Thinking of you, Kolton

I haven't updated in awhile.
I lost my mucus plug last Sunday, Nov. 7th. I've been bouncing back and forth between being 1cm dilated to being 2 cms dilated. We had a Dr. appt on November 10th and my cervix was 50% effaced at that point. But that still gives us no idea when our little man will be here. =) I am not rushing it. He can stay safe inside as long as possible.

Our first appointment with our new Doctor was as amazing because he was the only Doctor that we could find who wanted to give our baby every chance possible. It makes me sad that now, it's more about my health and me because "there's no hope for our baby. So, no point to do any unnecessary things to my body, etc." I asked how he would know if the baby was in the right position to be born. He said, Even if the baby is breech, he will not give me an emergency C-section because of the risk it poses to me. It will pose risks to the baby because of the breech position but he seems to think that there's no point if there is nothing that can be done for our baby. That breaks my heart. He apologizes every time for being crass---
He also said that if I don't go into labor by our due date that he won't let me go past 42 weeks, which is December 6th. I really wish he understood our situation. I really wish that he knew that we are unemployed, that we have to borrow a vehicle every week just to make it out of town, that it costs $50 in gas every week just to see him for 10 minutes so he can remind us that there's nothing that can be done for our baby,  that it's going to be interesting when I go into labor and driving 2 hours to get to Hays because he refuses to induce us at any point unless I am 42 weeks along, and that this is OUR baby and we want him to be born ALIVE, dammit. We KNOW our baby's condition is fatal, don't think we are naive. We want him to be born alive among other things. But being born alive is a [[HUGE]] very important thing to us.

We also met with a pediatrician. She was amazing. She talked to us about options and told us we needed to finetune a birthplan. We need to actually finally talk about this and see what we would like to do when Kolton is born. We have kind of put it off because it is a hard thing to deal with but we are only 8 days away from our due date so we better get in gear.



  1. Hun, I don't know if you have thought about it much, but it might be good to have another person there with you and dh to tell the DRs what you want, even if you have it writen they might not listen and you will be in a very emotional state.

    Many prayers for you right now.

    ps I can be in hays in 30 minutes if you need someone there ;)

  2. That's a very good idea. =) Most of our family is going to be there but not in the delivery room with us. It will be very emotional and I wish our Dr. would let us have more options. =(
    And I couldn't ask that of you =) You have enough going on lol. You are so sweet. thank you.