Imagine a love so strong that saying hello and goodbye at the same time was worth the sorrow.

November 25, 2010

Kolton Sage Sanchez's Arrival: 11/23/2010 10:20 am (CST) 5 lbs 8 oz and 17.5 inches long

Early Monday morning (1:00 am) on November 22nd, 2010-- I was standing in the bathroom and there was a popping feeling and a small gush of water. I rushed out and told my husband, Kelby, and he thought that we should go to the hospital but I didn't think it was my water that broke so we didn't go up to the hospital. Throughout the whole day, I was trickling water. Kelby said to call the hospital and explain to them and to see what they wanted us to do. At about 3:30, my mom called the Hays hospital because I had to go to an appt with my daughter. Hays hospital said to go to the emergency room here or to go to Hays because if my water broke then we had 24 hours to have our baby before an infection set in.

Once the appointment was over, Kelby and I went down to the hospital in town. The nurse was beyond amazing. She did a test strip (can't remember the name) and said, Yes, your water broke. The Dr. came in and checked my cervix and said I was 2cm and 50% effaced and said it did in fact break. He did another test and said that it didn't break. Then, he said he didn't know for sure if it broke or not and that we can go home or go to Hays just in case.

We decided to go to Hays. It was about 6pm or 7pm. We went home and packed our bag and Kelby's mom came to town and picked us up and we left to go to Hays. We figured that we would get sent back home, with everything that the Dr. here had said. We were put into an OB room and the nurse checked my cervix and said I was 3cm and 90% effaced and she did a test that is accurate to determine if my water broke and she said my water did break. She said that if I didn't go into active labor by 4am-5am that they were going to start me on Pitocin. She said I was having contractions but I had yet to feel them. We tried our best to get some sleep, but sleep never came. We were scared and nervous and just weren't quite ready!!

When we found out my water broke, Kolton's grandma Polly, Kolton's big sissy, Kolton's auntie Ray, Kolton's uncle Andy, Kolton's aunt Heather, Kolton's grandpa Dan, and Kolton's cousins Kyla, Taiya, and Arrionna, and Kolton's aunt Shelly and Kolton's cousin Sophia started heading down from Goodland. Our families sat with us and we all talked and then they waited in the waiting room. Our wonderful Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep photographer, came to our room and we talked and decided what we wanted to do, then she left and said to call her when things start happening.
It was 4:42 am when they started the Pitocin. I started feeling contractions shortly after that. They were so intense. They were getting very strong and 2 minutes apart. The nurse kept asking me if I wanted an epidural yet, I kept telling her no, not yet. I wanted to wait it out until I absolutely needed one. I remember hearing a baby down the hall crying and I told Kelby, I hope Kolton is born crying.

A new nurse came in at 7 and checked me and I was at 4cm and 100% effaced. The contractions were so strong and hurt so much. By 9:30, I was in so much pain that I asked for the epidural. Not long after that, I became dilated to 6 cm. About half an hour later, I was dilated to 8 cm. At 10:00, the nurse said it was baby time. I just couldn't believe it. Our little man was coming so soon. I still felt every contraction and that's what helped me push when I needed to. Throughout all of these contractions, Kolton's heartbeat remained strong. Our Dr. came in and told me to start pushing with the next contraction. To hold my breath to the count of 8 and push as hard as I could. A nurse was holding my left leg and Kelby was by my right side holding my leg and my hand. The Dr. told us when Kolton was in the birth canal and he was still moving his head around. This took about 5 different times. Towards the last few times, Kolton's heartbeat started dipping and slowing down drastically. I pushed with everything that I had to get him out as fast as possible. His heartbeat got slower and slower with every push. The Dr. kept telling me to breathe deep breaths so Kolton can get some air and that this is getting really hard on him and his heart is slowing down. Kolton was born at 10:20 am Central Time. His Daddy cut the umbilical cord. He wasn't breathing so the nurses tried to initiate his breathing. That didn't work because his heart had stopped right before he was born. The Dr. was talking but I couldn't hear him. I was staring so intently at Kolton and the nurses trying to get him to breathe. I was willing for him to breathe and the nurses put the breathing thing on him and kept staring at each other, saying no. The Dr told me, "hold him". I said yes. He was then put in my arms.

Our sweet, beautiful angel was here!  I held and kissed him and counted his perfect little toes and his little fingers. He was born with one eye open, as if he were taking in his surroundings. His eye was Dark blue. He was born with his mouth open. Daddy and I took in every detail of him. He has Daddy's hair and there was quite a bit of it! He has baby fuzz everywhere. If you look at him just right in the light, it looks like he has sideburns like his daddy. =) He was fuzzy on his back (which his daddy was trying to tell everyone that he got that from me. lol. which he didn't, by the way), his arms, his shoulders, just everywhere! He has his daddy's ears and his mommy's full lips. He has big precious little feet and long arms. He has little blonde curled eyelashes. He has a line in the middle of his big toe and the softest skin. He has such tiny tiny little fingernails with lines in the middle just like his daddy. His perfect little fingers and how they wrapped around my finger so perfectly. He has this beautiful heart shaped face. He weighed 5 lbs 8 ounces and 17.5 inches long! Kolton's big sissy came in right away and so did Kolton's grandparents. They each held him and gave him so much love that I am sure that he could feel it in Heaven.

Karen took pictures and my sister recorded a video and took some pictures as well. There were family and friends and our pastor that came to see Kolton. We were just surrounded by so much love. I couldn't begin to express how thankful I was to have these amazing people in our lives. We had such a wonderful staff of nurses as well. They went above and beyond to help us. Our nurse, Lisa, did his hand and feet molds, did his handprints and footprints, cut some of his hair for us, helped Daddy and I give him his first bath, she put his handprints on a christmas ornament, among many other things. The hospital gave us a satin bag with a baby book in it, a tile to get his footprints on, a little gold ring for him to wear, and a few other things. Karen and my sister captured all of these precious moments in time for us to cherish forever. These people are such a blessing. Thank you all so much.

Daddy and I gave him his first bath. We have a recording of part of it. His skin was so soft. We put baby lotion on him and just held him and loved on him some more. We couldn't get enough of him. We did hand and feet molds- we got big sissy and his hand holding her finger, my fingers with his hand holding one of them, and his foot.

We put him into a little kansas chiefs onesie. On the front it says "Born to be a Chiefs fan", on the back it says, "I poop on the Broncos". =) My sister took some more pictures of him.

We participated in the Duke Study (to try and find a cure for anencephaly) and that was the only time that he was ever taken out of the room until the funeral home came to pick him up.

Our families left to head home and we spent some time with Kolton, just admiring our sweet son. Our pastor came and said a prayer with us. He was going to take some pictures but the funeral home had to come pick Kolton up. I am hoping that we can get some more pictures though, I don't think that we could have enough.

The funeral home came to get him around 4 or 5 and that is when my heart broke into pieces. That was the hardest part. I asked that he stay wrapped in his little blanket and that his little lamb go with him. I didn't want him to be all alone and most of all I didn't want to abandon him to a complete stranger. They were wheeling him out of our room and the pain was so unbearable. I wanted to scream at them to stop them from taking our baby away from us.

We had to stay overnight in the hospital. We stayed in the same room, though we were given the option to move to a different floor so that we didn't hear the sounds of the other babies being born.

So raw with grief. We were discharged the next day a little after 8:00 am. We went to Walgreens to drop off my prescription of Percocet, though I didn't plan on ever taking any. I want to feel all of this. The physical pain could never match up to the mental and emotional pain that I am feeling.

We went and picked up Kolton at the funeral home. I was so happy to finally have our baby back. His mouth was closed and he looked so at peace. They had to cut him on his collarbone to do the embalming, I just want to kiss his boo-boo away. =(  They did such an amazing job. They even did it free of charge. Amazing people.

We went back to walgreens and I got my prescription and Daddy held Kolton. We thought he was heavy when he was born and now it seemed he was doubly so.

We headed back to Goodland. Daddy driving and Kolton in Mommy's arms. I will cherish these moments forever. When we got to town, we went to my mom's house and Kolton's aunts got to hold him for the first time, and his papa, and his great grandma, and his cousin, and of course everyone else held him again. =)

We had to take him to the funeral home before the funeral home directors left for lunch. We took him down there at about 11:40 on the 24th. I held him while we talked and made final arrangements. I gave him a kiss on his cheek and told him I loved him. Daddy held him. I asked that he stay wrapped in his blankey and that his little lamb stay with him. Daddy asked where they were going to be keeping him and she said in the coldest room in his little casket. Oh, how I wish he could come home with us. ='(. She took him from us and I just broke again...You can feel your heart when it's breaking.

We went home and spent time together as a family. Last night, was our first night back and it was so hard to be there without our precious baby. His big sissy slept with his bear. Daddy and I slept with his blankey that he is going to be buried with. I also held tight to the little bear that I recorded his heartbeat and his kicks on and finally cried myself to sleep. I miss our baby so much and although we knew that we would lose him, there is nothing that could have prepared us for this. The pain and heartache is unbearable and where do you find peace? I feel so guilty that if I had pushed harder that maybe he would have been born alive.

Today, my amazing sister brought over some pictures that she took and ones that Karen took. She brought the videos that were taken as well. These ladies are so gifted at what they do. I am going to be watching those soon. I miss Kolton so much. The funeral home said that we can go in on Friday and hold him and rock him, I am looking forward to holding our little baby again. I wish I could hold him forever. I would never let him go.

I will be adding more pictures to share of our sweet angel who has blessed our lives in so many ways.
I may have missed things too, and if I did I will update with them.

Some people only dream of angels. We got to hold one in our arms.


  1. My heart may never heal I miss my Grandson more then words can describe.

  2. Lacy, such amazing priceless, timeless details of your time with Kolton. You are in my thought, my heart and my prayers. (((Hugs))) from Katherine in Denver. XO

  3. lacy god has called another beutiful angel so therefor he put his wings on your's there couldn't be a better one in heaven waiting there for you may god bless you and give you strenght during you'r lost........ the gonzalez fam.. kanorado..

  4. Peace and comfort to you, Lacy. You made the right decision to carry the pregnancy to term. God's tender love to you and your family at this time.

    Phyllis Zorn

  5. Praying for your family! It's such a hard road. I'm so glad you were able to capture such precious photos and mementos of Kolton. Please feel free to contact me - We live in Oakley and lost our sweet Karinne in May.

  6. Oh honey its not your fault. You gave him all the love in a life time in the few hours that you held him. He knows how much you love and miss him. Thank you for sharing this with us and remember we are all here if and when you need us.You don't weep alone.

  7. You are soooo strong. My prayers go out to you and you family..

  8. I am so proud of you! Such a strong young woman, mother, wife, sister, daughter and friend. I love you! xoxoxo!

  9. Lacy, This is beautiful. Please remember though he is not alone. Even though you can't hold him he is in the The Best Hands. Thank you for sharing. ~ Jessica

  10. 17 years ago, my sweet little Zachary was diagnosed having anacephaly. I was so very sick and my health was at great risk. You are so strong to have carried your Kolton to term, so lucky you were able to hold him and kiss him and give him a proper burial. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of my lil Zachary but know it does get better and knowing he is an angel in heaven is comfort in itself. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Stay strong and pray to God for strength, I will be doing so for you too.

  11. Almost 7yrs ago I lost my "Caleb" at 9wks...he was a Trisomy 13. I still feel the pain,still have the blanket from the hospital and the giraffe I bought for him when I found out I was pregnant. I too was on the new moms floor after my D+C and given the option of moving.I said no one day I will be back here,and it will be happy. Well almost a year later,I had a beautiful healthy lil girl,whom we almost lost at 9wks again,no reason for me hemoraging,and no explanations,other then my opinion she is strong willed and by the grace of God,he blessed us! A few years later we tried for another,only to have lost 2 more babies back to back.( unsure why) Im not sure our pain ever goes away,we always think of the what if's,or what would they be like? Im so happy you were able to hold your baby.I never had that chance,but cant even imagine what you went through. My thoughts and prayers are with you,stay strong and hold your memories forever :) ~ Audie

  12. I am so sorry about what happened to you. Your story touched me in ways i never thought I had. Just keep you head up, I can't imagine what you are going through but i hope the best to you and your family.

  13. just stopping by to tell you that you and your family and Kolton will never be forgotten!

  14. Love God, Love People, LOVE KOLTON!

  15. Your family has been introduced to us by your friends Linsay & Justin. Thier love for all of you has spilled over to our Bible Study Group and we keep all of you in our prayers and our hearts. Please know that sharing Kolton's life with us is inspirational and we cherished getting to know him, you, Kelby & Alexia. Your angel has touched many hearts. His impression is forever and his legacy lives. Lauren

  16. I hope I am able to be as strong as youwere when the time comes for baby Charlie to be born. They will see each other in heaven, and play and smile. Kolton and Charlie quill always look after each other and us still down here.