My Mr. Kolton

I miss you so very much. I can't believe that you will be turning one next month! It just seems so surreal to me because I feel like it was just yesterday that we held you in our arms and kissed your sweet beautiful face.
I love you so much and my arms ache for you, my sweet babyboy.
We've been trying to plan for your 1 year birthday party but I've ran into one brick wall after another. You know your mommy has to google EVERYTHING. We wanted to do a HUGE 365 balloon release in your honor for your birthday. Can you imagine just a rainbow of balloons in the sky =) and so I googled about balloon releases and saw how they are bad for animals and I knew that you wouldn't want to hurt any animals. So, I googled your auntie's idea of Sky Lanterns and found that they are also bad for animals if it's the wire sky lanterns. I know you wouldn't want that either. I shouldn't even be telling you these things because it should be a surprise!!! But, you know your mommy can't keep surprises very well. *lol*
I hope that we can come up with something truly amazing for a very amazing little boy <3 Everything will work out just as it should. Send me some ideas sweetie. <3
I love you so much more than words could ever say. You are my sunshine.
Love always,
Your Mommy

All that I am. All that I ever was. Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

On, May 23rd 2011, Kolton turns 6 months old. I really wish things were different and that he were here with us. In my arms is where I really want him to be. That's where he belongs. We have become these "new" people that I can hardly recognize. Being part of this "new club", one that we don't want to be a part of, has completely changed us. It's a double-edged sword. I feel that we are more loving and compassionate and on the other hand, we are bitter and closed-off. I feel like I am still shut-down and on auto-pilot. I just don't know where to go from here and I honestly think that I just want to stay right here. I am so afraid of letting go and accepting this grief and pain and heartache. I feel like if I do that, it's like saying that it is okay and fine. When that couldn't be further from the truth.
I miss my baby and I want so desperately to hold him again and to gaze into his beautiful blue eyes. I want to hear his laugh and catch the sparkle in his eye. I want to see him full of life, as he was when he was in my womb- protected from the world. I wonder what his first word would be. I wonder if he would look like his Daddy.  I wonder if he would be a Mommy's little boy or a Daddy's little boy. I want to see him graduate Kindergarten and middle school, and high school, (( I wonder who would have taught him how to drive a car. I am sure it would have been Daddy and I think that would have been amusing to watch)).and then off to college. I want to see what a great wonderful man he would grow up to be. I wonder when he would grow out of the stage "Girls have cooties" and excitedly wait at the end of the aisle to the bride who eagerly walks towards him to forever join him. 
I miss him so much. I have dreamt of his future from the moment we found out we were expecting. His future is far greater than I could ever imagine. God has a beautiful plan for our beautiful son. That's the best future anyone could ever get. Our baby boy is one of God's little angels <3

Let me tell you, when you lose a child - life on earth looks completely different. It is now a finite period until you get to be reunited with your child.We were blessed to have been given Kolton- even if it wasn't as much time as we had hoped for. He will always be with us and what could be better than spending eternity together? There is our happy ending. Our family will be reunited once again.

For Mommy's birthday: Daddy and Big Sissy picked out a book that "literally" jumped off the shelf at them. =)  The book: Heaven is for Real - A Little Boys Astounding Story of His Trip to Heaven and Back. If you haven't already read it - you need to. It's a definite must!  So many things spoke to me in this book.  For one being: the boys name who is telling us about heaven is also named Colton- just the spelling of the name is different. =) We now have a beautiful picture of what our Kolton is doing - singing, playing with our other loved ones who are already in heaven, flying (with his wings), enjoying the vivid colors, trees, and animals that God has designed heaven with. THE most comforting words of little Colton were his insistent message that, "Jesus REALLY REALLY loves the children." How can that not be comforting?

Our prayers at this time include thankfulness for everyone of you that have helped us– whether it has been in prayer, a meal, a hug, a donation, a flower, or a kind word – you have all created a support system that kept us going and moving and helped us put one foot in front of the other.
For each of you, we pray that God’s many gifts, including His Son, are present in your life. We treasure each of you and cannot even begin to repay all the ways we been blessed. Please know that although our family is grieving and missing Kolton more than words can say, we are doing well thanks to the peace that comes from above.

2010 [[rewind time]]

2010 : The year we lost Kolton: The year we were also given Kolton. <3

2010, the year we grieved Kolton.

2010, the year I felt pain in ways I never could have imagined even in my worst nightmares. This is the year I stared absently out the window and imagined what would have been. The year of great tear floods that stained my pillowcase...No doubt, this will carry on in many years to come.

2010, the year I learned people are capable of understanding and compassion. And the year I learned people shut out pain when it becomes too much for them to handle.

2010, the year that I met some amazing people who understood completely what we were going through. It's sad to know so many people in such awful pain.

2010, the year I learned that you can be given something so very precious and for reasons unknown, it can be ripped out of your arms and leave a gaping hole where your heart once beat so strongly.

2010, I'm so very sad today to see you go. I'm not embracing the new year with excitement as I have in years past. Because 2010, the pain you brought, means Kolton was here. I mourn him so he lives.

[[Rewind time to where we still had Kolton with us]] [[Rewind time to where Kolton was safely tucked away inside]] [[Rewind time to Koltons conception, and let me take a TON of folic acid]] I'm sorry baby.
I miss you baby. I speak for the whole family. We miss you so much.

Gone much too soon

We went to Kolton's grave, as we do every day, and I read him a goodnight story: Puss in Boots. He should be in my arms cooing as I read to him. It hurts so much to see that "this" is our new reality. Our baby will never be in our arms again. We won't get to see his first steps or marvel at his new words. We can't plan for his future or watch him make his own future with a wife and children of his own. It's heart-breaking. I don't know any other way to describe it. It's soul-shattering.

I want to do more decorations and nice things for him. So far, he has a little monkey that plays twinkle twinkle little star and his little cheeks light up red, some white daisies (Mommy's favorite flower), a red rose, a white rose, and a yellow rose. Also, Kolton's grandma left him some red roses.
The wind is so horrible in Kansas, that we had to wire them to his marker.

I look back: to being pregnant, to the hopes and dreams, getting our fatal diagnosis, feeling his strong kicks, getting to meet our sweet angel, his funeral and burial. and to where we are now: visiting our sweet angel at the cemetery and looking down at our empty arms and aching for him. It all feels just like yesterday. I constantly relive my life from the moment we found out I was pregnant to this moment right here.

All of the joy and yet so much pain. I have memorized every part of him: every line, every hair, every detail, how he felt in my arms, how soft his skin is and I miss him so much. I can't begin to describe how empty I feel without him here with us. He should be in my arms right now. </3 My breast milk came in 2 days after Kolton left this earth. It felt like an arrow piercing what was left of my heart. This is made for my baby. </3
Daddy is our strength, though he is hurting too. Big Sissy is having a really hard time too. She feels guilty for having happy times. She cries in her sleep and misses him so much. She has wanted a baby sibling for so long (even asked for one for christmas every year for the past 3 years) and she was so very excited when she first found out that her wish was coming true. My heart breaks even more to see how hard this is for her. I feel like a failure as a mother in so many ways. The main reason being that a mother is supposed to protect her children and it seems that I can't do that for them. That I have failed both my daughter and my son. I know that I have no control over what happened, but it doesn't make it any easier.

I sleep with his little lamb, his baby blankey, his little winnie the pooh blankey, and his bear with his heartbeat recorded in it. I smile everytime Daddy rolls over onto that bear and Kolton's heartbeat starts going. All of this makes me feel so much closer to him. I don't want to think about where his body is right now. in the cold, all alone...I can't help but picture him crying out for mommy. I know this must sound ridiculous, but a baby needs his mommy. ='( Just as much as a mommy needs her baby. I try to understand but understanding never comes. I'm not sure if it ever will. I feel completely and utterly lost. We struggle everyday to accept this has happened to us and live in hope waiting for the day we wake up from this terrible nightmare, to find Kolton safely tucked in our arms.

We love you, Kolton <3 We miss you so much

Kolton's story

Kolton Sage Sanchez's Arrival: 11/23/2010 10:20 am (CST) 5 lbs 8 oz and 17.5 inches long

Early Monday morning (1:00 am) on November 22nd, 2010-- I was standing in the bathroom and there was a popping feeling and a small gush of water. I rushed out and told my husband, Kelby, and he thought that we should go to the hospital but I didn't think it was my water that broke so we didn't go up to the hospital. Throughout the whole day, I was trickling water. Kelby said to call the hospital and explain to them and to see what they wanted us to do. At about 3:30, my mom called the Hays hospital because I had to go to an appt with my daughter. Hays hospital said to go to the emergency room here or to go to Hays because if my water broke then we had 24 hours to have our baby before an infection set in.

Once the appointment was over, Kelby and I went down to the hospital in town. The nurse was beyond amazing. She did a test strip (can't remember the name) and said, Yes, your water broke. The Dr. came in and checked my cervix and said I was 2cm and 50% effaced and said it did in fact break. He did another test and said that it didn't break. Then, he said he didn't know for sure if it broke or not and that we can go home or go to Hays just in case.

We decided to go to Hays. It was about 6pm or 7pm. We went home and packed our bag and Kelby's mom came to town and picked us up and we left to go to Hays. We figured that we would get sent back home, with everything that the Dr. here had said. We were put into an OB room and the nurse checked my cervix and said I was 3cm and 90% effaced and she did a test that is accurate to determine if my water broke and she said my water did break. She said that if I didn't go into active labor by 4am-5am that they were going to start me on Pitocin. She said I was having contractions but I had yet to feel them. We tried our best to get some sleep, but sleep never came. We were scared and nervous and just weren't quite ready!!

When we found out my water broke, Kolton's grandma Polly, Kolton's big sissy, Kolton's auntie Ray, Kolton's uncle Andy, Kolton's aunt Heather, Kolton's grandpa Dan, and Kolton's cousins Kyla, Taiya, and Arrionna, and Kolton's aunt Shelly and Kolton's cousin Sophia started heading down from Goodland. Our families sat with us and we all talked and then they waited in the waiting room. Our wonderful Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep photographer, came to our room and we talked and decided what we wanted to do, then she left and said to call her when things start happening.
It was 4:42 am when they started the Pitocin. I started feeling contractions shortly after that. They were so intense. They were getting very strong and 2 minutes apart. The nurse kept asking me if I wanted an epidural yet, I kept telling her no, not yet. I wanted to wait it out until I absolutely needed one. I remember hearing a baby down the hall crying and I told Kelby, I hope Kolton is born crying.

A new nurse came in at 7 and checked me and I was at 4cm and 100% effaced. The contractions were so strong and hurt so much. By 9:30, I was in so much pain that I asked for the epidural. Not long after that, I became dilated to 6 cm. About half an hour later, I was dilated to 8 cm. At 10:00, the nurse said it was baby time. I just couldn't believe it. Our little man was coming so soon. I still felt every contraction and that's what helped me push when I needed to. Throughout all of these contractions, Kolton's heartbeat remained strong. Our Dr. came in and told me to start pushing with the next contraction. To hold my breath to the count of 8 and push as hard as I could. A nurse was holding my left leg and Kelby was by my right side holding my leg and my hand. The Dr. told us when Kolton was in the birth canal and he was still moving his head around. This took about 5 different times. Towards the last few times, Kolton's heartbeat started dipping and slowing down drastically. I pushed with everything that I had to get him out as fast as possible. His heartbeat got slower and slower with every push. The Dr. kept telling me to breathe deep breaths so Kolton can get some air and that this is getting really hard on him and his heart is slowing down. Kolton was born at 10:20 am Central Time. His Daddy cut the umbilical cord. He wasn't breathing so the nurses tried to initiate his breathing. That didn't work because his heart had stopped right before he was born. The Dr. was talking but I couldn't hear him. I was staring so intently at Kolton and the nurses trying to get him to breathe. I was willing for him to breathe and the nurses put the breathing thing on him and kept staring at each other, saying no. The Dr told me, "hold him". I said yes. He was then put in my arms.

Our sweet, beautiful angel was here!  I held and kissed him and counted his perfect little toes and his little fingers. He was born with one eye open, as if he were taking in his surroundings. His eye was Dark blue. He was born with his mouth open. Daddy and I took in every detail of him. He has Daddy's hair and there was quite a bit of it! He has baby fuzz everywhere. If you look at him just right in the light, it looks like he has sideburns like his daddy. =) He was fuzzy on his back (which his daddy was trying to tell everyone that he got that from me. lol. which he didn't, by the way), his arms, his shoulders, just everywhere! He has his daddy's ears and his mommy's full lips. He has big precious little feet and long arms. He has little blonde curled eyelashes. He has a line in the middle of his big toe and the softest skin. He has such tiny tiny little fingernails with lines in the middle just like his daddy. His perfect little fingers and how they wrapped around my finger so perfectly. He has this beautiful heart shaped face. He weighed 5 lbs 8 ounces and 17.5 inches long! Kolton's big sissy came in right away and so did Kolton's grandparents. They each held him and gave him so much love that I am sure that he could feel it in Heaven.

Karen took pictures and my sister recorded a video and took some pictures as well. There were family and friends and our pastor that came to see Kolton. We were just surrounded by so much love. I couldn't begin to express how thankful I was to have these amazing people in our lives. We had such a wonderful staff of nurses as well. They went above and beyond to help us. Our nurse, Lisa, did his hand and feet molds, did his handprints and footprints, cut some of his hair for us, helped Daddy and I give him his first bath, she put his handprints on a christmas ornament, among many other things. The hospital gave us a satin bag with a baby book in it, a tile to get his footprints on, a little gold ring for him to wear, and a few other things. Karen and my sister captured all of these precious moments in time for us to cherish forever. These people are such a blessing. Thank you all so much.

Daddy and I gave him his first bath. We have a recording of part of it. His skin was so soft. We put baby lotion on him and just held him and loved on him some more. We couldn't get enough of him. We did hand and feet molds- we got big sissy and his hand holding her finger, my fingers with his hand holding one of them, and his foot.

We put him into a little kansas chiefs onesie. On the front it says "Born to be a Chiefs fan", on the back it says, "I poop on the Broncos". =) My sister took some more pictures of him.

We participated in the Duke Study (to try and find a cure for anencephaly) and that was the only time that he was ever taken out of the room until the funeral home came to pick him up.

Our families left to head home and we spent some time with Kolton, just admiring our sweet son. Our pastor came and said a prayer with us. He was going to take some pictures but the funeral home had to come pick Kolton up. I am hoping that we can get some more pictures though, I don't think that we could have enough.

The funeral home came to get him around 4 or 5 and that is when my heart broke into pieces. That was the hardest part. I asked that he stay wrapped in his little blanket and that his little lamb go with him. I didn't want him to be all alone and most of all I didn't want to abandon him to a complete stranger. They were wheeling him out of our room and the pain was so unbearable. I wanted to scream at them to stop them from taking our baby away from us.

We had to stay overnight in the hospital. We stayed in the same room, though we were given the option to move to a different floor so that we didn't hear the sounds of the other babies being born.

So raw with grief. We were discharged the next day a little after 8:00 am. We went to Walgreens to drop off my prescription of Percocet, though I didn't plan on ever taking any. I want to feel all of this. The physical pain could never match up to the mental and emotional pain that I am feeling.

We went and picked up Kolton at the funeral home. I was so happy to finally have our baby back. His mouth was closed and he looked so at peace. They had to cut him on his collarbone to do the embalming, I just want to kiss his boo-boo away. =(  They did such an amazing job. They even did it free of charge. Amazing people.

We went back to walgreens and I got my prescription and Daddy held Kolton. We thought he was heavy when he was born and now it seemed he was doubly so.

We headed back to Goodland. Daddy driving and Kolton in Mommy's arms. I will cherish these moments forever. When we got to town, we went to my mom's house and Kolton's aunts got to hold him for the first time, and his papa, and his great grandma, and his cousin, and of course everyone else held him again. =)

We had to take him to the funeral home before the funeral home directors left for lunch. We took him down there at about 11:40 on the 24th. I held him while we talked and made final arrangements. I gave him a kiss on his cheek and told him I loved him. Daddy held him. I asked that he stay wrapped in his blankey and that his little lamb stay with him. Daddy asked where they were going to be keeping him and she said in the coldest room in his little casket. Oh, how I wish he could come home with us. ='(. She took him from us and I just broke again...You can feel your heart when it's breaking.

We went home and spent time together as a family. Last night, was our first night back and it was so hard to be there without our precious baby. His big sissy slept with his bear. Daddy and I slept with his blankey that he is going to be buried with. I also held tight to the little bear that I recorded his heartbeat and his kicks on and finally cried myself to sleep. I miss our baby so much and although we knew that we would lose him, there is nothing that could have prepared us for this. The pain and heartache is unbearable and where do you find peace? I feel so guilty that if I had pushed harder that maybe he would have been born alive.

Today, my amazing sister brought over some pictures that she took and ones that Karen took. She brought the videos that were taken as well. These ladies are so gifted at what they do. I am going to be watching those soon. I miss Kolton so much. The funeral home said that we can go in on Friday and hold him and rock him, I am looking forward to holding our little baby again. I wish I could hold him forever. I would never let him go.

I will be adding more pictures to share of our sweet angel who has blessed our lives in so many ways.
I may have missed things too, and if I did I will update with them.

Some people only dream of angels. We got to hold one in our arms.

Kolton's Birth Plan

　
Birth Plan for:
Kolton Sage Sanchez

Son of Kelby and Lacy Sanchez. Little Brother to Alexia.


On June 23rd, 2010, 18 weeks into our pregnancy we were devastated to learn that our son, Kolton Sage, had anencephaly. We realize that Kolton will look different physically and will have facial anomalies. We hope that everyone can see him for who he is, our beautiful little baby. We may only have seconds or minutes with him, but we may also be blessed with hours or days. As Kolton's parents, it is our greatest wish to be able to cherish every moment we have with our baby, in a loving and caring environment. We have compiled this list of requests and wishes regarding his birth and care in order to make this experience as easy as possible for all involved. Please do not hesitate to ask us for clarification, if it is needed. Please don’t mind if we change our wishes at any time. Our wishes all revolve around our need to spend as much precious time with Kolton as possible and to prevent him from suffering during that time. Our wishes are as follows:

We ask that our son be referred to as Kolton.

We wish to have a sign placed on our door that designates what type of situation Kolton's birth is. We prefer not to have extraneous staff entering our room without speaking to our nurse first (i.e. housekeeping, dietary).

If possible, we request nurses specifically trained in bereavement.

We are participating in a research study conducted by Duke for neural tube defects, which includes anencephaly. For this study, blood must be collected from both Kelby and Lacy Sanchez. Also, tissue must be obtained from Kolton after Kolton has passed. Supplies have been provided by Duke and can be obtained from Kelby or Lacy. Directions for obtaining the tissue and blood samples will be provided along with directions for packaging and sending all samples. If any questions arise you may contact Heidi Cope, MS- Certified Genetic Counselor at Duke University Medical Center Center for Human Genetics:: 1-877-825-1694.

We ask not to be judged and that each member of the medical profession provide us with excellent medical care and the compassion to allow us, as much as you are capable, privacy to celebrate Kolton's life with close family and friends. It is our belief that precious time with Kolton is the only thing that will soothe the pain of those that love him.

We are planning on a vaginal delivery unless a c-section is necessary. We prefer to have continuous fetal monitoring during labor and delivery. Also the monitoring of heart tones Any drugs used should have minimal side effects and present the least risk to Lacy and Kolton while still providing pain relief; given it in the smallest dose that will be effective; Lacy wants to, and needs to be, alert during and after delivery. Lacy would like to have an epidural. Please respect our right to make all decisions regarding the birth should anything unforeseen occur.

We have arranged for a photographer, Karen Bonar, to be present after delivery. She is affiliated with Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, a bereavement organization and will be taking pictures of us and our baby. Her number is (316) 371-7846. Rachel Ford will also be taking pictures and video immediately after Kolton is born. Please accommodate these ladies as much as you can. Any pictures and video they obtain will be very important to us to look back on.

Kelby will stay in the room with Lacy at all times.



Assuming they do not rupture on their own, please do not rupture the amniotic membranes artificially. The membranes and fluid will help protect Kolton's head during labor and delivery. We feel this will increase Kolton's chances of being born alive.

Cutting of the umbilical cord is to be done by Kelby, if he wants to cut it.

We have a special blanket that we would like Kolton wrapped in as soon as he is born.

As long as it is safe for Lacy, we want her to be able to hold Kolton immediately following delivery. If Lacy is unable to hold Kolton, we would like Kolton to be handed to Kelby. We wish to cherish all the time we have with him. Every second counts.

We want Kolton’s airway to be suctioned as soon as he is born to help him breathe. We would like to hold Kolton as soon as possible. We want to be told right away if he is breathing or if he has a pulse. If he is not breathing, we would like efforts made to help initiate his breathing. We would also like him given supplemental oxygen if needed. If he is doing poorly, we ask that he be given to us to hold. If he is to die right away, we want it to be in a parent’s arms.

We would like mechanical assistance to be used only temporarily to initiate Kolton's breathing. We do not want any extraordinary measures taken to maintain breathing or to initiate his heartbeat. We request that blow-by oxygen be available if we want to use it.

Since it is possible that Kolton is going to be with us for only a short amount of time we want every second possible with him in our arms, beginning from the moment of his birth. Please delay (or even prevent if possible) any procedures that can be put off until later. If any procedures must be done we ask that they be done while Kolton is in our arms.

We anticipate that Kolton will be born with a large opening to his occipital area and neural tissue will be exposed. If he is in stable condition, we would like a dressing placed to any open area AFTER we have been allowed to see it.

We would like Kolton to be kept warm.

We may want routine admission medications given, such as erythromycin ointment, or Vitamin K, and we may want his blood sugar monitored, if requested.

We ask that you give us privacy, without abandoning us. Encourage us to do whatever feels right.

We do not want Kolton to be taken from the delivery room at any time, by any person, for any reason. For however long we may have with him, we want him in the room with us.

If Kolton lives long enough we would like to feed him. We would like to breast feed him. If he lives long enough to require nutrition, if he doesn't take to the breast then we want to bottle feed him, however, if he is unable to be bottle fed we do want a feeding tube inserted.

In the event that Kolton does not die immediately, or soon after birth, we may consider having an IV inserted for the administration of pain medication. We wish to make Kolton's time on earth as pain-free and comfortable as possible.

In the event that Kolton is experiencing severe seizures and seems uncomfortable or in pain, we may consider the administration of anti-seizure medication.

We want the nursing staff to weigh and measure Kolton when we request it. Should we forget to request it, please do it prior to him leaving the hospital.

We would like the opportunity to give Kolton his first bath.

If Kolton looks like he won’t survive during our time in the hospital we want him to be with us and we want to be holding him in our arms when he leaves us. When he has passed please notify staff members who will come in contact with us. Please do not take him away from us after he passes.We will let you know when we are ready for you to do any routine procedure on him. If we are blessed with the opportunity to take Kolton home with us please give us advice on how to feed him and care for his head (with dressings etc.).

Please do not allow anyone in our room without talking to us first. We want our daughter, Alexia who is 10 years old, in the room immediately after delivery. We would like to have the option to bring our family to in the room to meet Kolton and spend time with him. We ask your assistance in keeping them updated as we request it. We might need your help with getting visitors in when we are ready. Polly Potterf- Lonnie Potterf and Marlene Penton- Danny Penton are to be the first visitors. They are his grandparents. Followed by immediate relatives. Kolton has family that is very eager to meet him. If possible, we want them to be able to spend time with Kolton while he is still alive. Time is of the essence for us and we do not want any avoidable regrets or missed opportunities.

We do not want Kolton to go to the morgue at any time. We will call Bateman Funeral Home directly when we are ready to say goodbye to Kolton. We will be taking him to the funeral home ourselves. We have made prior arrangements for this. Bateman Funeral Home can be contacted at: (785) 890-6600.

If any caregiver has a suggestion or an idea that you think may be helpful, please share it with us, as there are many things we might not have thought of.

We would like to have as many keepsakes and mementos as possible. Please save the following items for us to take home:
the bassinet card
hats
baby blanket
any photographs taken by the hospital
hospital ID bracelet and cord clamp
hand and footprints (we also wish to have footprints put in frames that we have brought with us)
mold of hands and feet (we have kits with us)
lock of hair if possible
clothing Kolton may have worn
heart rate/contraction strips from any monitoring
and any other things you think we may wish to have


This is a very difficult time for all of us. We truly appreciate your help and support, and ask that you understand the varied range of emotions we may experience. We also appreciate and find comfort in your expressions of grief, so please do not hesitate to show your emotions in front of us. We have tried our best to prepare for our short time with our little Kolton. Saying "Hello" and "Goodbye" in such a short period of time will not be easy. With your help and support we hope to make this time as meaningful as possible.
　
Thank you,
Kelby and Lacy Sanchez