One Step Closer

Thank you for visiting my dreams last night!! 
I don't know where we were but you were in a little robe and you walked up to me and I kneeled down and pulled you into my arms. You said, "Can you come with me, please." I was holding you and crying. I said, "No, baby, I can't right now." A voice inside my head was screaming, "I'm supposed to be with you and be your Mom!". I held you for so long and cried. I wasn't going to let you go, but I woke up. 
My heart is in my throat as I try to hold back tears while I write this. I want to be with you so badly and I hope that you don't feel that I don't want to be. I will be with you when my time comes though sweetheart and it will feel like we were never apart. I love you so much and I would give anything to have you back here with us. 
I want to be able to watch you grow up, watch your sister be so protective over you and watch you and her fight little fights when you get bigger and a mind of your own =) I want to watch you plays games with your Daddy. I want to know what music you would listen to. I want to hang onto you and never let you go. But, I do want you to grow up and go to school and find a job that you love and find your love and ask her to marry you. I want to see how eager you are as you wait for your lovely bride to walk down that aisle towards you. I want to see your beautiful life come together. I want to anticipate the arrival of your babies and smile with love at the thought of being a grandma. I want so much. I want our family back to how it should be. I want you here with us. I know that you can't be and that's the hardest part. 
I miss you so much, my love. Please come see me today.
In my dream- you brought a book up to me to read to you. =) 
Kolton, I am always with you as you are always with me. ♥

Time has brought your heart to me. I have loved you for a thousand years. I will love you for a thousand more x infinity.

I miss you so much. I wish that you were here with us. I feel so broken without you. I try so hard to not let my grief of your loss overshadow the beauty of your life. Some days it is really just so overwhelming and all consuming. It is something that I am working so hard on.
I know that you are always with me and I cherish all the little signs that you send to us. I love when you visit my dreams and when you come play with your toys. It really brings me so much comfort.
A few days ago, I had a dream that I let a balloon go to you. =) It was red and heart shaped. <3
One night (recently), I had a dream that you were a little tiger cub with the most beautiful eyes and you ran up to me and love just poured and emanated from you. Later on in the dream, I couldn't see you and was looking around for you. You came up to me and growled at everyone around me, as if you were protecting me from danger. I know this dream means that I may not always see you but you are always there, especially when I need you.
I will have to make another blog entry of all the dreams that I have of you and all of the signs that you send to us. I hope that I have written them all down!! Your mommy is so forgetful.
I love you so much, my sweet baby boy. Come visit me. Love always and forever, Mommy

Kolton, here is your 1st birthday letter from your Mommy. =)

My sweet babyboy- I wrote this for you on your 1st birthday. November 23, 2011. My babyboy turning one year old. It's hard to think about without tears in my eyes and an ache in my heart. I miss you so very much. 


Happy 1st Birthday Sweetheart !

I'm sure you must smile and shake your head when you see that I'm writing you a letter, as if you don't already know every thought I send your way. I think I write because it's tangible... part of being 'human for a time'. Some days it's not enough to feel it or just think it. I think you need to hear it from your Mommy's mouth. 
I love you and I miss you. 
I wish that you were here in my arms. Cooing over your surroundings and standing on your precious two feet. I wonder what you would be doing right now. A whole year old. Oh, the trouble you could get into and get away with-with a mischievous twinkle in your eyes. 
I just have to tell you how much I love you.
When you were here I was stronger and braver. I was younger. You and your Sissy were the center of all that mattered in my life and always will be. There are so many things I wish I had done better. I wish that I could have kept the sadness away. The sadness in knowing that you would not get to stay. I wish that I had told you more often how amazing you were, how proud you made me, how certain I always was that you and your sissy were the answer to the why of my life. 
I believe with all of my heart that we chose the course of this life. That we knew before we came how much we would have to sacrifice for all that we would be given. And even though I miss you with every breath, I would do it all again. No amount of heartache would deter me from embracing enthusiastically another forty weeks and one day with you.
I miss you more than mere words can express. I miss your sweet little face, your soft skin, and your chubby little thighs. I miss your hands and your adorable feet. I wish I could snuggle you and kiss you and love on you.
I am going to watch the videos that we took of you at birth soon. I can't wait to see you again. I relive that very special day in my mind, every day. I hold onto all of our beautiful moments. I am so happy that we were able to capture videos and pictures that we can treasure forever. I am very glad we have your heartbeat recorded and that we got your hand and feet molds. 
When you were born, It took the nurses a few minutes to get you over to us, I was praying and praying that they could initiate your breathing. I was starting to worry because I didn’t want to miss out on you while you were here. Then our Dr took you tenderly from the nurse and handed you to me. Such a handsome little guy fitting so perfectly in my arms. I remember all of your details..they are forever etched on my heart. Your dimple in the middle of your chin, your full lips, your fingernails have little lines in them, your big toe on your left foot has an indentation line in the middle of it, your chubby little thighs, your longs arms and long feet! your second toes are longer than your big toe, your eyes are a beautiful shade of dark blue, your hair was a reddish blonde and it was a little curly on the ends, you are covered in little peach fuzz. =) YOU ARE PERFECT! Thank you for inspiring me and making my life bloom. Thank you for being patient. Thank you for leaving clues. Thank you for subtle signs and songs that speak directly to me. Thank you for trusting me, believing in me, and choosing me to be your Mom.
I want to tell you that I am proud of you. You were so strong and so brave. I can’t imagine what you went through, nor what awaited you when you left us. I know that you aren’t in pain and that you can play and run. I know that you come and visit us and for that I am so very greatful. 
I want you to know that I think of you every moment. I miss you with every fiber of my being. I long with every beat of my heart for the day we will be together again.

Loving you, celebrating you, missing you and sharing tears, seamlessly interwoven with joy, is what allows me to look to tomorrow with hope.

So, my babyboy, know that your life continues to fill my own with more than I could ever have dreamed. 

I love you,
Hugs and kissies, 
Mommy

My Mr. Kolton

I miss you so very much. I can't believe that you will be turning one next month! It just seems so surreal to me because I feel like it was just yesterday that we held you in our arms and kissed your sweet beautiful face.
I love you so much and my arms ache for you, my sweet babyboy.
We've been trying to plan for your 1 year birthday party but I've ran into one brick wall after another. You know your mommy has to google EVERYTHING. We wanted to do a HUGE 365 balloon release in your honor for your birthday. Can you imagine just a rainbow of balloons in the sky =) and so I googled about balloon releases and saw how they are bad for animals and I knew that you wouldn't want to hurt any animals. So, I googled your auntie's idea of Sky Lanterns and found that they are also bad for animals if it's the wire sky lanterns. I know you wouldn't want that either. I shouldn't even be telling you these things because it should be a surprise!!! But, you know your mommy can't keep surprises very well. *lol*
I hope that we can come up with something truly amazing for a very amazing little boy <3 Everything will work out just as it should. Send me some ideas sweetie. <3
I love you so much more than words could ever say. You are my sunshine.
Love always,
Your Mommy

All that I am. All that I ever was. Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

On, May 23rd 2011, Kolton turns 6 months old. I really wish things were different and that he were here with us. In my arms is where I really want him to be. That's where he belongs. We have become these "new" people that I can hardly recognize. Being part of this "new club", one that we don't want to be a part of, has completely changed us. It's a double-edged sword. I feel that we are more loving and compassionate and on the other hand, we are bitter and closed-off. I feel like I am still shut-down and on auto-pilot. I just don't know where to go from here and I honestly think that I just want to stay right here. I am so afraid of letting go and accepting this grief and pain and heartache. I feel like if I do that, it's like saying that it is okay and fine. When that couldn't be further from the truth.
I miss my baby and I want so desperately to hold him again and to gaze into his beautiful blue eyes. I want to hear his laugh and catch the sparkle in his eye. I want to see him full of life, as he was when he was in my womb- protected from the world. I wonder what his first word would be. I wonder if he would look like his Daddy.  I wonder if he would be a Mommy's little boy or a Daddy's little boy. I want to see him graduate Kindergarten and middle school, and high school, (( I wonder who would have taught him how to drive a car. I am sure it would have been Daddy and I think that would have been amusing to watch)).and then off to college. I want to see what a great wonderful man he would grow up to be. I wonder when he would grow out of the stage "Girls have cooties" and excitedly wait at the end of the aisle to the bride who eagerly walks towards him to forever join him. 
I miss him so much. I have dreamt of his future from the moment we found out we were expecting. His future is far greater than I could ever imagine. God has a beautiful plan for our beautiful son. That's the best future anyone could ever get. Our baby boy is one of God's little angels <3

Let me tell you, when you lose a child - life on earth looks completely different. It is now a finite period until you get to be reunited with your child.We were blessed to have been given Kolton- even if it wasn't as much time as we had hoped for. He will always be with us and what could be better than spending eternity together? There is our happy ending. Our family will be reunited once again.

For Mommy's birthday: Daddy and Big Sissy picked out a book that "literally" jumped off the shelf at them. =)  The book: Heaven is for Real - A Little Boys Astounding Story of His Trip to Heaven and Back. If you haven't already read it - you need to. It's a definite must!  So many things spoke to me in this book.  For one being: the boys name who is telling us about heaven is also named Colton- just the spelling of the name is different. =) We now have a beautiful picture of what our Kolton is doing - singing, playing with our other loved ones who are already in heaven, flying (with his wings), enjoying the vivid colors, trees, and animals that God has designed heaven with. THE most comforting words of little Colton were his insistent message that, "Jesus REALLY REALLY loves the children." How can that not be comforting?

Our prayers at this time include thankfulness for everyone of you that have helped us– whether it has been in prayer, a meal, a hug, a donation, a flower, or a kind word – you have all created a support system that kept us going and moving and helped us put one foot in front of the other.
For each of you, we pray that God’s many gifts, including His Son, are present in your life. We treasure each of you and cannot even begin to repay all the ways we been blessed. Please know that although our family is grieving and missing Kolton more than words can say, we are doing well thanks to the peace that comes from above.

2010 [[rewind time]]

2010 : The year we lost Kolton: The year we were also given Kolton. <3

2010, the year we grieved Kolton.

2010, the year I felt pain in ways I never could have imagined even in my worst nightmares. This is the year I stared absently out the window and imagined what would have been. The year of great tear floods that stained my pillowcase...No doubt, this will carry on in many years to come.

2010, the year I learned people are capable of understanding and compassion. And the year I learned people shut out pain when it becomes too much for them to handle.

2010, the year that I met some amazing people who understood completely what we were going through. It's sad to know so many people in such awful pain.

2010, the year I learned that you can be given something so very precious and for reasons unknown, it can be ripped out of your arms and leave a gaping hole where your heart once beat so strongly.

2010, I'm so very sad today to see you go. I'm not embracing the new year with excitement as I have in years past. Because 2010, the pain you brought, means Kolton was here. I mourn him so he lives.

[[Rewind time to where we still had Kolton with us]] [[Rewind time to where Kolton was safely tucked away inside]] [[Rewind time to Koltons conception, and let me take a TON of folic acid]] I'm sorry baby.
I miss you baby. I speak for the whole family. We miss you so much.

Gone much too soon

We went to Kolton's grave, as we do every day, and I read him a goodnight story: Puss in Boots. He should be in my arms cooing as I read to him. It hurts so much to see that "this" is our new reality. Our baby will never be in our arms again. We won't get to see his first steps or marvel at his new words. We can't plan for his future or watch him make his own future with a wife and children of his own. It's heart-breaking. I don't know any other way to describe it. It's soul-shattering.

I want to do more decorations and nice things for him. So far, he has a little monkey that plays twinkle twinkle little star and his little cheeks light up red, some white daisies (Mommy's favorite flower), a red rose, a white rose, and a yellow rose. Also, Kolton's grandma left him some red roses.
The wind is so horrible in Kansas, that we had to wire them to his marker.

I look back: to being pregnant, to the hopes and dreams, getting our fatal diagnosis, feeling his strong kicks, getting to meet our sweet angel, his funeral and burial. and to where we are now: visiting our sweet angel at the cemetery and looking down at our empty arms and aching for him. It all feels just like yesterday. I constantly relive my life from the moment we found out I was pregnant to this moment right here.

All of the joy and yet so much pain. I have memorized every part of him: every line, every hair, every detail, how he felt in my arms, how soft his skin is and I miss him so much. I can't begin to describe how empty I feel without him here with us. He should be in my arms right now. </3 My breast milk came in 2 days after Kolton left this earth. It felt like an arrow piercing what was left of my heart. This is made for my baby. </3
Daddy is our strength, though he is hurting too. Big Sissy is having a really hard time too. She feels guilty for having happy times. She cries in her sleep and misses him so much. She has wanted a baby sibling for so long (even asked for one for christmas every year for the past 3 years) and she was so very excited when she first found out that her wish was coming true. My heart breaks even more to see how hard this is for her. I feel like a failure as a mother in so many ways. The main reason being that a mother is supposed to protect her children and it seems that I can't do that for them. That I have failed both my daughter and my son. I know that I have no control over what happened, but it doesn't make it any easier.

I sleep with his little lamb, his baby blankey, his little winnie the pooh blankey, and his bear with his heartbeat recorded in it. I smile everytime Daddy rolls over onto that bear and Kolton's heartbeat starts going. All of this makes me feel so much closer to him. I don't want to think about where his body is right now. in the cold, all alone...I can't help but picture him crying out for mommy. I know this must sound ridiculous, but a baby needs his mommy. ='( Just as much as a mommy needs her baby. I try to understand but understanding never comes. I'm not sure if it ever will. I feel completely and utterly lost. We struggle everyday to accept this has happened to us and live in hope waiting for the day we wake up from this terrible nightmare, to find Kolton safely tucked in our arms.

We love you, Kolton <3 We miss you so much